I recently posted on my Facebook status “How do you move forward if you don’t know what is holding you back?”  None of my Facebook friends offered me an answer, but one of my novel characters that currently resides in my head did reply.  He told me that my past was holding me back.  He told me I had to let the past go.  Well, it took a few days for his message to truly sink in because I allowed myself to get lost in his beautiful mocha chocolate eyes and I was absolutely mesmerized by the deep dimples that appeared as parentheses around his boyish grin.  Thankfully, I was able to snap out of his seductive trance before my fingers found their way to his black strands of hair that curled provocatively at the collar of his turquoise jersey t-shirt.  Anyway, when I finally allowed myself to concentrate on the meaning of his words I understood what he was trying to tell me; however, I find myself disagreeing, at least partially.  (Now that is perfectly normal Dana behavior!) 

There are parts of my past that I threw away quicker than Blake Shelton can sing “Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”.  Obviously, those moments were the ones of regret, questionable decision making or drunken blunders.  But there are parts of my past, or more accurately, people of my past that I don’t want to let go.  There are relationships that ended but with no closure.  These “lost” friends have created patches of emptiness in the tapestry of my life.  In some cases, I am unable to weave these friends back into my life because of death or trauma.  In some cases, I am unable to weave them back into my life because I am afraid I am not made of strong enough fiber to swallow my pride, face my fears or expose my vulnerabilities to them.  I often look at the picture of my life and it is those blank spaces that fill me with so much angst that I allow myself to become stagnant.  I yearn to tie up those loose threads and create a beautiful rendering of what I want my life to look like but since I never learned how to sew, crochet, knit, weave, or patch I find myself unable to do so. 

I know many people would say that for the friends that left by choice, then they weren’t true friends to begin with.  I think we resort to that so-called wisdom when we don’t want to force ourselves into action to right a wrong or to simply communicate an apology or request for an apology.  For many people, letting go is simply far easier than throwing a lifeline and struggling to maintain that hold when we are weary, hungry or in pain.  For me, letting go was easier at the time.  But as time goes on, my soul begs for the second chance, or perhaps even third. 

Maybe I can move forward after attempting to rescue the lost friendships that “incomplete” me.  Maybe if my honest efforts are rebuked, then I can move forward knowing I have at least attempted to put my tapestry through a sewing machine.  Fortunately, I have many fine tailors among my current friends. They will help me learn how to snip those frayed edges.

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