In doing “a year in review” for 2011, I decided to dig up some posts from my very first blog — done in 2006.  It seems like a lifetime ago and at times it seems it was a life that belonged to someone else!

The following snippet touched me today because David has driven me to the brink of insanity over the past 3 days.  I have to laugh now at how fearful I was for this child. He has hit puberty full-force at the tender age of 10 and there are no real battle scars to be found as of yet.  Yes, he still misses Christian.  He still gets teary when he visits the cemetery. But he has also learned compassion for others, especially those facing loss or grieving. He has also learned gratitude for having Wayne as “another” Dad.  He is much more mature and self-sufficient than I ever imagined he would be at this point; however, he is more naive and gullible than I ever thought possible for a child of mine!!

From January 2006:

I will be sending David off to kindergarten in 7 months. That thought absolutely terrifies me. I know it is only natural for Moms to be scared and protective of their little ones when they are about to embark on such an adventure, but sometimes I feel it is more than that for me. Since David’s Dad died, I have felt an overwhelming need to shield him from more pain — to try to set his world right again. Believe me, I know in my head that I cannot and should not protect him from “life” — that I need to direct my energies into preparing him for it instead. But in my heart, I feel an injustice was done to him and that feeling is only reinforced when I catch him staring up at the sky with a lot of sadness in his eyes or when I see him hug his Dad’s headstone at the cemetery and hear him whisper “I miss you, Daddy”. I know that David is very happy and loved beyond belief and I know that he loves Wayne as a dad. But I wish David didn’t have to endure the sadness and emptiness that must accompany losing a parent. I wish I could give him a magic shield that would protect him from the fear, confusion and anxiety of entering kindergarten. Maybe I’m the one that needs the magic shield.

And while I claim that “I’m ALWAYS right”, I do believe I nailed it when I stated I was the one in need of a magic shield.  I remember reading this quote by Elizabeth Stone in 2000, during my first pre-natal appointment with my ob-gyn, “Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”  Awwwww, what a cool sentiment — exactly what I thought.  I guess in this one instance, I was the one that was truly naive!!  I now have 3 pieces of my heart walking around and it is no wonder I often feel like a warped ping-pong ball stuck inside of a perpetual pin ball machine.

I’ve decided  not to air my recent grievances with David’s behavior, because my look back has taught me to be grateful for the amazing child(ren) I have. He has accomplished so much with so many obstacles to overcome. Through it all he has preserved his Dad’s gentle nature while exercising my vocal tendencies (thankfully only when a true need arises).  I also must realize and accept that neither David nor I have control over the hormonal atrocity known as puberty.  But I really do need my magic shield first … and fast.

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