There is a list of female friends that I trust to care for/watch over my children.  I would let them borrow my van.  I would even offer them a place to live (temporarily) if ever needed.  But I don’t trust them with my innermost thoughts, fears, or emotions.  A rational person would think that if I trust someone enough with my life’s most precious gifts (the boys) then certainly I could trust them with mere words or feelings.  But somehow I lack the ability to make myself vulnerable to another woman with no tangible item to hold her accountable.  If she were to hurt one of my children, I could seek justice within our court system or bring harm to her myself (which is more likely).  If she wrecks my van, well certainly the insurance could take care of the damages.  But if I let her into my head and heart where she can at any point in time use my weaknesses against me, then I truly have no recourse for the pain she could cause.  I very carefully fortify my emotional boundaries and barriers while still maintaining very diplomatic and pleasant “friendships”.

I’ve grown tired of being so careful in my friendships.  I hate not having that BFF to laugh with, drink wine with, complain about Wayne to … someone who I can truly let my hair down around and know that it is 100% okay to be Dana (not the wife or the Mom).  But I’m not sure how to find her or how to force myself to be the person and friend I want and need to be.  Maybe at my age it’s not even possible.  If it ever does happen, I will rush to Claire’s and buy the tackiest, silliest trinket that has a BE FRI to match my ST END.

P.S.  I have not always been entirely pathetic and BFF-less.  My closest, dearest friends that I have opened up to have been guys.  These amazing men are no longer able to share the intimate details of my life either because of death, distance or marriage (mine and theirs).  But the platonic (hate that word because not many people believe it can exist) love we’ve shared will always remain!!

Advertisements